The new Ali Gatie song, What If I Told You That I Love You, had me all in my feels and 2020 is about releasing all of my pent up emotions that I've been holding onto for so long. So here we go, if you haven't heard the song, give it a listen. It's super relatable. (And, has a great beat if I do say so myself!)
The lyrics are hella relatable, right? We all go through it! We all go through rejection, heartbreak, and cycles of love. That's life!
Based on my title of this blog post you may be over there thinking that I'm about to write a love letter or something, but I'm not! Not really, anyway. 😉
If you have the song on, close your eyes, who do you see? Maybe you just read the lyrics... well, who did they make you think of?
I know who it made me think of. It makes me think of the man I'm letting go. Most of my closest friends probably know too. There he is, standing there in my mind, the same man I knew since the day we met.
Have you ever had someone that was just always there? No matter what, you had them. They were there!
I’m not saying like a backup plan or anything like that. I mean someone who you truly cared for and honestly wanted to be with, but timing never was right. Whether it was long distance, other relationships, fights.. whatever the cause, things just never seemed to fall into place.
I’ve been single for a while. Dated here and there, liked some. HATED some. Thought indifferent of some. They just all never seemed to measure up to the man I had drawn up in my head.
This man, who YES is a real live man - LOL 🙈, lived in my mind as the man I remembered from the day I met him. Before all the drama... Before we grew up and had made mistakes... So young in the beginning and our worlds so different now... But he was always there.
In my mind. But, also in my life.
No matter what happened in my life, I knew I could count on him. Regardless of anything!
Even when I thought maybe he had moved on and met someone, he would always pop back up in my life.
I grew to love him. I truly did. Our timing was always wrong and we never seemed to be on the same page. I blame part of that on distance, the other on my mental health at the time, and truthfully my youth. I was so young when it all began and wasn’t ready for a relationship. And when I was ready, he wasn’t.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty, because that’s for him and I. All I’ll say is we went through hell and back. He was one of the first guys who made me feel special. He was the first person, besides family, I told about my assault. I always felt like he knew what to say. Besides my family and girlfriends, he was the man I most trusted.
I eventually just came out and said it. I love you, I think I always have. But, again, wrong timing. Part of me thinks I may have always just cared more, but I don’t know... We never seemed to get it right and time wasn't on our side. And, now it seems it never will be.
And, that's okay! It is perfectly okay that he didn't love me back the way I loved him. As painful as it was, it was his truth and it was time that I take it in and move on.
But, moving on isn't easy, is it? One of the main factors in why I struggled to move on for so long is simply because I care about this person. There's no "OFF" Button to loving and caring for a person. You just have to take it one day at a time.
Every day I pick myself up and move on a little bit more.
He used to be the one to bring me up when I was down. And, that is what I relied on for so long. I loved that he could cheer me up even on my darkest days. But, all that was, was a crutch. I never knew what it was like in my adult life to not have him. What a realization that was when it hit!
I not only loved him, I relied on him!
I was looking to him for support and to pick me back up. When really the whole time, I should’ve been raising myself back up. I should’ve looked within.
The crazy part is I ALWAYS tell my girlfriends to be independent and to love themselves, but here I was doing the complete opposite.
We were never actually together, and yes I am a very independent woman, but I cared for this man so much, and always kept him centered in my mind.
These last few years have been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve had to get real with myself and make tough decisions to honestly just grow up.
This year became the year of throwing away my crutches. The old clothes I kept around for lord knows why, the old numbers in my phone that were only getting use when I was drinking, the men that don’t love me, and the reckless behaviors brought on through my depression.
In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hasta la vista baby! ✌🏼
All jokes aside. Like Marie Kondo says, you must show gratitude with something before throwing it out.
So, if you’re out there reading this (Lordy! How embarrassing.), thank you for being the man that helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. You may have never known that, but you kept the light on for me during that time. Now, it’s about time I find that light on my own.
To all my fellow friends that have been holding onto a past love or friend, I urge you to ask yourself some tough questions and make changes for the better. Join me on the journey to always remembering your worth and to love the person who you are completely.
Be comfortable being alone, or be comfortable finding a new love when you are ready.
Walk into tomorrow with a clear, open heart. 🖤
Not sure if you are quite ready for a new relationship? Check out this blog post where I dig into this a bit more!
Until Next Time,
Jessie
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